Friends

[coalescent]

There was a story in this week's Sunday Times about friends. You have to subscribe to be able to see it online, but the gist of it is that the 'average Briton' apparently has fourteen close friends, and that this is a surprisingly high number.

It is?

Conservatively, I'd say I've got between twenty and thirty close friends, and I don't think of myself as Mr Sociable, or that I've got a particularly generous interpretation of 'close friend'. I'd say fourteen is about right for the lower end of the scale, in my experience, and that the average is somewhat higher than that. Am I massively off base here?

The other statistic that got my attention was that eight out of ten people have a 'best friend' that they make time to see at least once a week. Here, I'm at the opposite end of the scale: I don't think I've got a best friend. I'm not sure I ever have had one. Maybe Rach, but understandably that's somewhat slipped away since she and Rich became an item. Other than that, I have the aforementioned wide circle of people I'm proud to call close friends, but nobody I'd peg as a best friend. If and when I ever get married, I'm gonna be screwed when it comes to choosing a best man because I won't be able to single anyone out.

Again, am I hugely unusual in this?

On a lighter note, the article identifies several classes of friend:

- Firefighter Friends: Only called on in times of emotional crisis.
- Champagne Friends: Whose primary role is as someone to have fun with.
- Heartsink Friends: Cause the eponymous effect when they call to see if you're free.
- Fossil Friends: May have dropped out of contact for several years, but can be easily reactivated.

The concept of reactivateable friends appeals to me.

Comments

[tinyjo.livejournal.com]

I think it all depends on your definition of "close friend". I have very few people who I would describe as close friends - who I would confide in, trust with almost anything, ask advice and so on. I then have a lot of friends and many acquaintances. I think that my definition of close is probably tighter than most peoples though.

I'm always annoyed by descriptions like "Firefighter friends". It makes me think of that Cosmo article style of writing I suppose.

[mattia.livejournal.com]

Hmmm....I dunno.

We're going to be talking strictly IRL here? Because if so, well, 14's not too terribly far off. I'm a bit wary about who I call a 'close friend', perhaps.

I'm no social butterfly; I don't find it hard to get to know people, but I can't pull off getting to know folk terribly easily. Bit of an introvert, with some extrovert features, or somesuch. I tend to get to know a relatively small number of people well to very well, a slightly larger group quite well, but not to the point where I'd call them 'close friends'

I have two best friends, two guys I met in high school. One's in Virginia, has been since 1996, the other, in California, moved away, again, in '96. The three of us, as a group. We meet, it's like we haven't not seen each other for years. Phonecall, ditto. I'm hoping to get my ass over there this summer, meet up with them again for the first time in ages.

Idem, over here, I've got one really good friend, a couple who are only slightly less 'good' (bad phrasing, but you catch my drift), and a lot of people who are friends, but who I wouldn't call 'close friends'.

Funny thing to mention, perhaps, is that a number of online friends I've made, who I now meet at pretty regular intervals, do qualify as close friends. Because the dynamic's changed. The fact I mostly talk to them online is due to distance, but friends they definately are.

[greengolux.livejournal.com]

I'd say fourteen is about right for the lower end of the scale, in my experience, and that the average is somewhat higher than that. Am I massively off base here?

Well, I'd say that there're about six or seven people who I'd say are close friends of mine, and I think I'm doing pretty good. The people I class as close friends tend to be those people who I regularly feel inclined to call/text/email/etc. and who I feel a desire to get in touch with if I've not heard from them in a while.

Of course I've also got other friends and acquaintances, but I'm not as good at keeping in regular contact or making an effort to socialise with these people.

The other statistic that got my attention was that eight out of ten people have a 'best friend' that they make time to see at least once a week.

If the measure of a 'best friend' is someone you make time to see on a weekly basis, if not more, then I'd say that practically all my close friends would count as 'best' friends. It just so happens that none of my close friends are living anywhere near me at the moment, so I can't see any of them weekly, but they're all people that I tried to see at least once a week when we were living in the same city. But I wouldn't class any of them as being a 'best friend' over and above my other friends.

[ex-toastie256.livejournal.com]

i have between about one and three close friends irl, if that helps balance out the average.

Champagne Friends

*pop* *splurt*

etc

[(Anonymous)]

Conservatively, I'd say I've got between twenty and thirty close friends, and I don't think of myself as Mr Sociable, or that I've got a particularly generous interpretation of 'close friend'. I'd say fourteen is about right for the lower end of the scale, in my experience, and that the average is somewhat higher than that. Am I massively off base here?

I would say that it is becuase you are straight out of Uni. Give it a few years and it will have whittled down considerably. When I was out of Uni I had 3 mates from Uni that I still kept in regular contact with - one of whom I was sharing a house with in Oxford, I also had a very close social group based around pub quizes (including people from my various jobs that got assimilated into the general crowd) who I saw frequently and would have counted as close friends. Even at that time I wouldn't say that I had 14 close friends (though it may have got close to that number at one point). Oxford is quite a transient place - especially given that a lot of people I knew were post-grad students or researchers. Basically a key person moved on and the social group fell apart - it was very odd, but I guess it happens.....

As you get older you start to get into the routine of day to day living and work. People pair off and get settled in whatever lifestyle they find themselves. As the people you are friends with get more disparate you see them less and less - getting to the point where calling them close friends is kidding yourself.....

Right now I have *no* friends in the town I live, I have a lot of "mates" from work - only two of which I would call close friends, a close friend from my previous job, a close friend that I shared a house with for 2 weeks and have kept in contact with ever since, my best friend from school (who I don't keep in touch with that well, but we have known each other for so long it doesn't seem to matter), a friend I met through a newsgroup and has turned out to be just as lovely IRL (though as she lives in NZ and I don't seem to catch her on IRC etc much any more we haven't 'spoken' in ages) and ToH (who probably doesn't count). So that is 6, maybe 7.

Maybe I just have a different definition of close friends, maybe I am just hugely cynical, maybe I am just a sad and lonely individual.

Stewart (http://www.foxbasealpha.co.uk/wibblings/)

Unusual? No. But a better classification system is needed.

[applez.livejournal.com]

I generally have 3 broad categories of friends: intimates, friends, and associates.

I think Jo's definition of close friend is a good description of my 'intimates.' Friends range from people I enjoy a great deal and spend lots of time with, to those I feel greater kinship with than mere business partners...but may not necessarily feel so close to as to unload all my thoughts/worries/troubles with. I suppose that makes me an oddly private person.

I may feel very close to these friends and do a great many things for them, but I may not fundamentally share certain aspects of myself. (and yes, here's the fun grey area where categories break down)

I find I'm awash with associates, have a handful of friends, and still fewer intimates.

I think a dozen to about 20 sounds accurate for close-feeling friends, but only 3 or 4 intimates.

Then again, I can always employ the perfect escape ... 'it's all relative and depends on the situation!' Example: there are certain people I felt close to in the caving club and have trusted them with my health/life ... but I certainly wouldn't enjoy their company in another circumstance, like bringing them along to a family holiday (they'd be too caustic).

---

As for 'best friend' - I had one once back when I was 9 ... but I haven't much bothered to re-establish contact.

So I wouldn't say the article is necessarily inaccurate as perhaps deliberately vague

[malenfant.livejournal.com]

who I would confide in, trust with almost anything, ask advice and so on

Ah, see, that's pretty much my definition of the (hypothetical) 'best friend'. Close friends I'd trust with some things - probably different things with different people.

[malenfant.livejournal.com]

We're going to be talking strictly IRL here?

I'm not. I don't know whether the article is. I suspect the writer subscribes to the popular view that online friends are weird and strange.

(Insert rant about 'The US Poet Laureate' here...)

I'm thinking that for me there are about eight or so people on my friends list, a couple online but not on LJ, a handful of school friends, another handful from OUSFG that don't have LJs, a couple of biochemists, a couple of people from college, maybe one from work, and a few that I've just randomly met here and there and gradually got to know...

[malenfant.livejournal.com]

The people I class as close friends tend to be those people who I regularly feel inclined to call/text/email/etc.

The interesting thing about that definition for me is that there are people I feel inclined to communicate with and yet wouldn't necessarily feel the need to see every week.

[malenfant.livejournal.com]

I would say that it is becuase you are straight out of Uni

I think these are wise words. I can see the numbers wearing down over the years as a result of attrition, if nothing else - the pairing off effect has already started, at least. I'll be damned if I'm not going to resist it for as long as possible, though.

[tizzle-b.livejournal.com]

I'd say that, personal, Stewart speaks the wisest words.

Being but 7 (that long? Wow) months from still being in school, I've still got quite a large group of the 80+ people from my year that I keep in contact with.

Since the majority are, also, all on gap years and still within Bristol I'm around lots of them quite a bit of the time.

I know this'll steadily reduce and become more 'core friends' as time goes on.

However - I'd find it difficult to properly define the 'close friends' as I tend to have different people who are 'useful' for different aspects of my needs etc. It's hard to number, but I'd say I had around 20ish people who I'm 'close' to in different terms, with around 30-40 people who I trust to differing degrees with different things.

Friends 'n' stuff

[mattia.livejournal.com]

Well, ok. Including 'net friends' (a number of whom have, in the past years, become just really good friends I happened to meet online and still mostly 'see' online), I may reach roughly 14-ish..

..and, um, 'The US Poet Laureate' rant? Wha...? I've obviously missed something.

Re: Friends 'n' stuff

[despotliz.livejournal.com]

I don't know who to count. If I count people I talk to regularly both online and not, I suspect we're on about 20. But not all of these would be counted as really close friends, and I tell different things to different poeple. Add to that friends from high school and college who I don't see regularly but would still class as good friends, and it gets more complex.

..and, um, 'The US Poet Laureate' rant? Wha...? I've obviously missed something.

The US Poet Laureate is an episode of the West Wing, which I may possibly have sent to Niall. :) Aaron Sorkin, aka show creator and overall God (he writes pretty much every episode) used to post regularly on the TWoP message boards, but when his show took a downhill turn and the posters became more critical, he got a bit narked with the criticism and eventually used this as the basis for a plotline. One of the characters finds a message board devoted to himn and proceeds to post on it, and gets flamed by the disbelieving board members, and proceeds to describe them as under the thumb of a dictatorial moderator who "chain smokes and wears a muumuu". http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=4&story=3118&page=11&sort=&limit=25 for the counter-rant by the chain smoker herself.

Essentially, he used the show to take potshots at internet fans who didn't worship him as a God becuase he frequented their message board. It's like Joss Whedon having Willow spout off onscreen about how Tara wasn't killed because she was gay.

[(Anonymous)]

i officially don't like you very much.

i have 3 close friends in the place that i live, and i never see them, because they're at a different college.

i have alot of good friends - but yet again - they're not at my college.

i have made a few friends at my college now, but not anyone i'd call close.

i have one close friend on the net - who's my ex.

i have another close friend in Liverpool, and I never speak to him.

my best friend in year 4 ran away to cambridge, and i'll never see her again, because i had a fall out with the rest of the group.

i have never really fitted in, and i doubt i ever will.

rachel
(mattia's girl)